The abandonment of a parent causes a huge emotional emptiness in a child. This gigantic hole ends up isolating and depressing and destroys the emotional stability of the whole reality of the boys.
Thanks to the studies carried out on attachment in recent years, we know that healthy emotional bonds guarantee the development of a full life in which healthy relationships, good self-esteem, security and trust in others reign. Insecure attachment, on the other hand, relegates us to uncertainty, low self-esteem and distrust of the people around us.
A negative emotional bond between parents and children causes destructive behavior and enormous anguish. Carrying out an exercise in introspection and subsequent distancing from the event will help to understand or elaborate it to ensure greater emotional liberation and, consequently, a structuring of the personality.
In this article, we will try to shed some light on this, to let you know how to tidy up your emotional reality.
Define your parents and relationships characterized by abandonment
Today we talk about family relationships more easily than in the past. However, if you have dealt with an absent parent who has abandoned the family for whatever reason, then you will be faced with indescribability.
In these cases, if they ask you a question about your parents, you can’t help but waver, look down and answer in a vague and evasive way. This is the clear sign of the difficulty of defining the sentimental void and managing the scars left by abandonment.
In this regard, it must be said that there are many types of abandonment, as many as there are cases in the world. Let’s see the most common:
The emotionally absent parent, but physically present.
If you notice the socio-emotional reality that surrounds you, you will notice that this form of “education” is very common.
The parent who abandoned you before, during or after childhood.
The pain of physical and emotional abandonment, chosen by the reference figures such as the parents, allows very important seeds to germinate during maturation. It is difficult to manage the reality that one is forced to live in these cases. On the other hand, how can you accept that a person who should accompany you for most of your life decides to move away from you?
The parent who physically or emotionally abandoned you in youth or adulthood.
Most likely, you will call this form of abandonment “betrayal”. To get to this point, you need particularly conscious verbal processing.
The almost total absence of the paternal or maternal figure
. Here are several sub-cases:
- The parent who died prematurely who didn’t have a chance to play a role in your life.
- The parent who died, but whom you have known. Within this profile, desire and idealization create a particular emptiness.
The management of the destroyed or destructive bond
Psychological processing on an emotional level and in terms of thinking depends not only on the child, but also on the surrounding environment. The shadow of the absent parent is always a pincer for family life.
It is not easy to accept that one of one’s parents, the reference point par excellence, is no longer in our life. This is why his absence has a very strong influence on the determination of our emotional evolution.
It is possible that, depending on our position in the family hierarchy, another member of the family will assume the role of parent, even if not, out of compassion or necessity. It may also happen that we are the first to feel the need to manage certain situations.
But what is a parent? This is an eternal reflection, with complex implications. The most natural thing is to think that the emotional parent is also the one who gave us life; however, this is not always the case.
It is good to specify that, depending on the evolutionary moment and the circumstances relating to the abandonment, we will assume certain qualities, commitments, responsibilities and roles that do not belong to us. It should be remembered that:
- If the parent passes away at an early age (0-6 years), it is difficult to reach the emotional fullness typical of this stage in which we are committed to growing.
- If the abandonment took place in the second half of childhood (6-12 years), the ability to consolidate the basis of healthy attachment will be undermined, if not destroyed. During adolescence, a phase in which it is essential to have a support, a reference point and well-defined limits, the process of building a solid identity will be deeply deconstructed.
- Childhood and adolescence are developmental moments in which the personality is not yet well structured, therefore the anxiety, sadness and pain of a loss deeply mark our way of being and relating to others. In other words, it is the genesis of an internal destructuring that by nature should not have happened. For this reason, it is a particularly traumatic fact that will mark our essence and our ability to interact with others.
- When abandonment occurs in the course of youth or adulthood, the necessary processing acquires several nuances. The absence and abandonment on the part of the parent causes inconsistencies in the personality and in the ability to establish relationships.
If we try to express it in words, the phenomenon of abandonment turns out to be even more bloody: reality is not anesthetized, on the contrary it is painted in an even more gloomy way. Our armor becomes harder and, at the same time, more fragile, making the rebuilding process more complicated.
We know the secrets, we realize the reality and we know how to read between the lines, but we are never ready to detach ourselves from the idea of the parent as a mentor, protector and hero.
Relieve the pain to live with the loss
We are not talking about “overcoming” the loss, but about “living with it”. You can overcome the loss of a set of keys, of your favorite game, but overcome the loss of a parent is impossible.
This must be accepted, because if we try to convince ourselves that the loss of our parent will not affect us, we will build castles in the air. It is unreal to believe that something with such a great emotional load can be indifferent to us.
Working out and managing the mark left by a parent’s abandonment requires individual and family forgiveness, which is not always easy. If our core continually chastises the maternal or paternal figure, if we notice pain in the remaining parent, in our siblings or in our grandparents, we will probably transfer all that suffering into us.
Understanding this means moving forward, it means being able to separate the pain of others from our own. Obviously, the two sufferings make up a cocktail that will somehow make us vulnerable forever.
But if we limit the suffering and isolate every single fact, we will be able to understand the events better. This will help us not to make the pain and emotions that accompany this phenomenon proliferate and to walk our emotional path with a light step.