Can you really have a relationship while still being free? It is shocking how easily controlled relationships develop, even between people who wish to avoid them.
Most people want to be free and certainly don’t want to maintain a relationship in which they feel controlled. At the same time, however, she wants to feel united with other people, whom she considers important. These are the two sides of the coin between which we must find a balance.
Inside us, well rooted in our being, there is something that causes us to be bound. This is neither a logical nor a physical thing. It is a spiritual need. The spirit wants to be free and, at the same time, related.
Why do we establish relationships in which we hand over control?
The core of the problem is the feeling of insecurity, the lack of confidence in one’s own personal criterion. If we need to get another person’s approval to get reinforcement, we have a problem. We give this other person too much power with respect to our image of ourselves and, in this way, we create the optimal conditions for him to control us.
The deep feeling of insecurity can develop in several ways. It usually begins in childhood and within the household, but there are exceptions. It develops on the basis of false beliefs and is fueled by the need for acceptance.
How does insecurity develop?
We are not born as a pristine blackboard, clean, empty and able to write the first letters on it. We came into this world with what we might call a “birth gear”. This equipment included the rudiments of a personality susceptible to progressive definition, a certain intellectual potential and a whole series of inclinations and predispositions.
We weren’t born with an innate lack of self-esteem. There was not the slightest natural inclination in us to question ourselves or to question our abilities or worth. Children are born accepting themselves in their totality. Self-distrust is a seed that grows as a result of certain circumstances, such as having been planted by someone else.
Parents are imperfect
Sometimes mistakes are made in the education of children and sometimes these mistakes have long-term consequences. That’s life. Children need the unconditional love and companionship of their parents, and when they don’t get it, the seed of insecurity can develop in them.
Some children don’t get enough love or acceptance from one parent, but they do get it from the other. Other babies, on the other hand, are born in homes where both parents are unable to give them the love and guidance they need.
They end up accepting the absence of love and orientation as a normal dynamic in their life. They introduce it into the drawer of what they consider normal and acceptable in a marital relationship, in being a parent, in being a man or a woman. So, later on, they will transfer it to all the roles they will acquire during their lifetime.
However, insecurity can also develop in those children who, instead, receive support from their parents. For example, when they start high school, some teens experience such rejection from their peers that they feel their feelings waver.
in their personal criterion. They have no control over the opinions of others, but they give such subjective judgments a total validity that undermines their self-confidence.
How to guarantee our freedom in a relationship?
Before we can relate to another person and establish a healthy relationship, we need to do some tasks. Change begins within us and it is important to recover our “self”. This implies recovering our faith in ourselves and freeing ourselves from the conviction of our alleged incapacity.
When two people really work on their relationship, it should become more solid, intimate and close. Shaping a long-term relationship has only one meaning, which is to evolve together and develop a project that is enriched over time.
A healthy relationship as a couple must be based on solid and honest love, on loving and accepting the other. Trying to control someone corresponds to wanting to transform him into a person other than who he is. Genuine and unconditional love includes a commitment to respect the freedom of others, just as we can decide to end a relationship if we feel the time has come.
Unconditional love also means allowing the other to evolve. We want the best for the person we love or, which is the same, we want this person to advance and grow as much as possible.
We need to communicate with respect to ensure dignity within the relationship. Disrespect is simply intolerable. If our partner is free, he won’t tolerate disrespect, and if we’re free, we won’t either. On the scale of love, nothing can justify a lack of respect.
Accept the differences
Accepting our differences affects the essence of freedom in a relationship. We can accept our respective originality or reject it. In the second case, we are rooted in love.
Learn from each other
We learn from each other thanks to our differences. To be exact, disagreements are part of the price to pay in order to have access to this wealth, the one that can be brought to us by others. In this way, we can understand our respective differences as goals for our growth. Each partner has something to teach the other.
Learning from each other is an idea that represents the definitive opportunity to establish a relationship of cooperation, which does not include the feeling of imprisonment, but of freedom, we are free to learn from and with our partner.
Accept the freedom of our partner
It takes a lot of courage to accept your partner as a free spirit. The reason for this is that the fear of losing it is enormous. When we feel we don’t deserve what we have, we take the necessary precautions to keep it by our side. We can thus become controllers even if in our past relationships we were controlled.
The more we accept the other person’s freedom, the more likely they are to stay by our side. If we want to be free and for our partner to be free too, we must respect an individual right. This right is none other than his freedom, to choose us or to stop doing it. In any case, only by respecting and protecting his freedom, we will allow the other person to want to have a relationship as a couple and we to love this being who one day conquered us and to do it again.