Have you ever met two people who seemed to love each other madly, but suddenly couldn’t even see each other? We are not talking about couples who slowly drift apart, but about men and women who, after sharing an intense relationship, turn into bitter enemies. Are you surprised that it can happen?
Sometimes these situations do not occur after years of living together because of a relationship that is slowly crumbling. It may happen that the transformation occurs suddenly: yesterday they loved each other and today they hate each other. So one wonders, is it true that, as they say, there is only one step from love to hate?
Love and hate
There is no form of love that does not contain at least a pinch of hate. We hate each other a little, because sometimes he is not there when we need him or because he has not valued as we would have liked an effort we have made for him / her. And we happen to hear the echo of hatred when he doesn’t understand us enough or when he is unable to tell us what we would like to hear.
They are little crumbs of hate, which usually don’t hurt anyone. They disappear as quickly as they appeared and leave almost no traces, unless they are particularly sensitive people. We are able to manage them and keep our affection intact.
Still, there are also situations that don’t end with a happy ending like this. Sometimes, one of these small episodes of disagreement turns into a seed capable of giving life to an entire forest of hatred or it can be the straw that overflows a jar already full of poison, accumulated for some time.
Love and hate, in fact, are not opposite worlds. The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Just as every form of love carries with it an ounce of hatred, hate also hides a component of love in its roots.
The paradox of love and hate
The transition from love to hate can usually happen in two ways: a person wakes up after a long hibernation in which he has continued to endure what he did not want to endure, or one of the members of the couple does such a great wrong to the other that transform the feelings of love into a desire for irrepressible destruction.
The latter situation occurs more often in the case of people who have a low frustration tolerance or a high level of narcissism.
If we do not have other emotional tools available to allow us to keep our balance in the face of an adverse situation, it is likely that we will blame the other for the feeling of frustration we are experiencing. We are prone to hate our partner because it reveals our weaknesses, our addiction or our insecurity.
Furthermore, narcissistic personalities cannot distinguish an offense from a gesture of self-affirmation in the other. If the partner asks for more space, recognition, or autonomy, the narcissist perceives this request as personal aggression. They would like their partner to live according to them and they interpret every act of freedom as a personal threat. Because of this, they can even react violently.
Hate creates a very strong bond with the other. In fact, it can even create a closer relationship than love. And the worst thing is that, when a whirlwind of confrontations starts, the situation turns into a vicious circle that feeds on all the time. Neither one can end the relationship in a healthy way. The logic of “hurting” and having to “protect” conditions their life. They feel they cannot give up on this fight, because it would mean giving up.
This dramatic circle is highly harmful. It is one of those situations where, no matter how much you win the battle, you will still be losing. There is no way to fix it. The only alternative is to get away from that person is to give up hatred, which can turn into an unbearable prison from which you will always come out destroyed.
Cover image courtesy of Chema Concellon